I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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