I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
