you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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