Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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