I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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