my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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