Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
