booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
