Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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