This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
