Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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