Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
