I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize