fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize