last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he told me I talked like a deaf person
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
