MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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