highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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