she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
