R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
