before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
