Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
