My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize