I'm going to jail i love you
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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