Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
