I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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