I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
