I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
