I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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