finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
