I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
