How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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