I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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