Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I feel like death gave me a hand job
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
