im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
There's a naked man in my car right now.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
