if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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