Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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