I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
