It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
