I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
