thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
