apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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