You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
