You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
What a dumb baby whore.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I love you.
Bad choice
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