do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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