if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
