I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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