note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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