Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
