did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
