i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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