I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize