I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My balls are so social today.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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