ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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