he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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