I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
