don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
