My liver just broke up with me...
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
