things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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